Let’s Have a Civil War

Let’s have another Civil War but this time we’ll just nuke the entire South out of existence. I know I know there’s a few cool cities like Athens and Austin Texas and you hip Southerners with your tattoos and cool bands think you’re making a difference but you’re not. It’s never going to change. It’s never going to get any better. Just get the fuck out before it implodes in on itself into martial law and cannibalism after NORAD blows it back into the Stone Age. We have the technology to turn the entire state of Mississippi into a sea of glass. Drop cluster bombs over Florida and send in crop dusters filled with Anthrax to Dallas so every last one of you backward creepy ass crackers taste the full power of the United States Government.

Oh goddam I am sick and tired of hearing your racist bullshit and homophobic Fundamentalist Christian fascism you chigger bite covered hillbillies. You don’t want to teach evolution in school? Fine! We’ll solve that problem for you. You won’t have to worry about the local school district teaching science when you’re too busy training your child how to walk on flippers. You can blame witches or Darwin or Satan or the gays while you’re picking depleted uranium out of your teeth. Your right to bear arms won’t matter much with a nuclear-powered Ohio class submarine just off the coast of Georgia loaded with 24 Trident II ballistic missiles in launch mode. I’m sure you’ll attempt some kind of guerrilla war with a few pickup trucks waving you’re Rebel flag out the window but most of you will be dead or dying of radiation sickness and it will be funny. It won’t be sad. No one will miss you. We’ll watch it all on CNN and laugh until we can’t breathe rolling on the carpet in front to the TV.

We should probably drop leaflets and give everyone 24 hours to get out before we launch a full scale nuclear war. Anyone dumb enough to stay and fight for the Glorious South deserves to have their eyes melt inside their skull as they wait in line at a Chick-fill-A. Oh my God you have to be the dumbest, fattest, most backward, retarded, slave owning, Fundamentalist, toothless, ingrate fucks on the planet. Worse than any Al Qaeda or North Korean and more dangerous and stupid than suicide bombers. I have no idea why we are wasting our time in the Middle East. The real danger to America is the deep South. Please for the love of God kill yourself or give us a reason to invade. NASCAR in and of itself is an act of war. It has to be the dumbest fucking sport in the history of the world. Oh holy Jesus you drive cars around in a circle? Seriously fuck you and fuck Dale Earnhardt. I’m glad he’s dead. Fuck your country music, fuck grits, fuck your sweet ice tea, fuck your stupid pickup trucks and the Klan and fuck your White Southern Baptist Church.

Most progressives and Yankees who live up here where we use our brains don’t have the balls to actually pray for a full scale nuclear war on the South. Most of us are open-minded. We have this thing called understanding and compassion. I know you’ve never heard of it because you never actually read that fucking book you claim is the Word of God but I have some news for you that I’m sure you won’t be unable to stomach. Jesus was not white. He wasn’t an asshole. He never said anything about homosexuals and He sure as shit never loved people like you. And this is why he’s coming back to break the Seventh Seal of the apocalypse and separate the sheep from the goats. And you’re the goats. Every last one of you.

And what is up with that ignorant white trash southern drawl? Do you want to sound stupid? Have you ever listened to yourself? Where did you get that horrifying speech impediment? All you do is watch television anyway can’t you just sound out the words like they do on TV? As retarded as American television is they at least know how to speak. We’re all tired of your fake fucking Good Ol’ Boy accent. Nobody cares. We all hate you. You’re a plague on Western Civilization. I don’t care if this sounds offensive because I don’t care if you even read this. You wouldn’t understand it anyway. There are too many big words. You’re too busy cookin’ up a mess of frog legs on the skillet or fucking chickens in your back yard. You don’t have the attention span to finish this sentence. You just repeat shit your pastor says and even your religious leaders are fucking illiterate.

Oh and you hate the city folk, the gays and the liberals don’t you? Those open minded people who try to include everyone. I’ll agree with you we are annoying but not for the same reason you find. The problem with liberals and progressives is that we’re not violent enough and don’t have the same gut rage that you do. If we could only find that same deep hatred in our hearts, if we could only be as brutal and cruel as you, if we could only cry out for war to finally wipe you off the face of the earth. We need more slave owners, assassins and blood thirsty tyrants. If we had more vigilante groups, more crooked police and our own version of the Klan we could just ride through the South on horses and lynch you from the nearest tree. Burn down all your churches. Throw you in prison. Kill your fathers and mothers and enslave your children. If you even looked at our women you would be dead. If you talked back to us you would go to jail. You’re too dangerous to own guns, you’re too stupid to learn how to read, you’re too evil to have any freedom and we don’t trust you. We don’t want you in our neighborhood and we don’t want to see you mingling with our kind. We don’t want you to get married, we don’t want you in our churches, we don’t want you to raise children and we don’t want to see you kissing in public.

How does the hate feel now asshole?