It’s been a while since I wrote anything because I’ve been on a clandestine mission. I was sent to North Carolina as an embedded reporter. The plan was to infiltrate Blackwater and establish a beach head for information on corporate mercenaries. For six months I trained in a secluded wetland preserve outside Suffolk, NC, sleeping inside a cave. I immersed myself in weapons training, survival, first aid, crowd control, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and commercial country radio. I also practiced the fine art of firing my weapon randomly at any object within a three hundred yard perimeter. Unsystematic weapons discharge and Total Eradication Arbitrary of Moving or Fixed Angle Geography, also known as TEAMFAG, is compulsory at Blackwater. The black bandana is key. Normally worn around the forehead, a skilled security contractor in any situation will pull the bandana over his eyes and uncontrollably utilize any weapon in his arsenal. This is called Blind Firing. After six months of self training, I was ready to apply.
As I approached the Headquarters at Blackwater USA, I found the parking lot filled with Sport Utility Vehicles modified with what is called the True Quad PowerTrain. Not available to the general public as of 2011, these transport units come with a separate engine for each wheel making it a true Quad 4WD. The gas mileage is still classified but experts agree the 400 gallon tank can last a quarter of a mile before refueling. Not surprisingly for the past 50 miles outside Blackwater I drove past thousands of gas stations. Each refueling station was connected directly to a petrochemical plant owned and operated by Blackwater. Half of the refueling stations were on fire or exploding. I navigated a series of security checkpoints where Blackwater contractors were basically running around killing each other, so I had no problem slipping past undetected.
Most people think of mercenaries as dirty, camo-clad ex-Navy Seals with painted faces creeping out of some pond filled with slimy moss and poisonous snakes. Not the security contractor of today. Blackwater is a private contracting firm. They protect private enterprise and global corporations. The new look resembles a black NASCAR uniform. The Medal of Honor is the corporate logo. Gulf Oil, British Petroleum, Texaco, Sprint, Snickers, Tide, Vaseline and Kentucky Fried Chicken are displayed proudly for brave dedication of service. Dishonor at Burger King can open up a can of whoop ass. These men give their lives for the freedom to have the burger cooked anyway they like it. And if you don’t like it? Then it’s lock and load and Taste the Rainbow. That’s just Ford Tough. I’ll Shout it Out that I protect the smooth creamy rich filling inside a Milky Way Bar. Can you hear me now?
Inside the waiting room at Personnel I saw a sea of psychotic men screaming out their favorite commercial jingles. It was like a food court gone mad. To the right was a Pizza Hut and on the left was a shooting range. I’m not sure if anyone was in charge. I asked around for some kind of secretary or employment application. After I ordered a Supreme Personal Pan Pizza I dodged more bullets from the Blind Firing and made my way back to the table. I finally found that on the back of the Pizza Hut paper tray liner was some kind of game or test you had to pass before you were considered a full time employee. I connected the dots with Crayons to form what looked like a dragon with seven heads and ten horns. Or it could have been a seahorse I’m not sure. There didn’t seem to be anyone checking for errors, so I just left it on the table. I was now a full time employee of Blackwater USA, making more than twenty times that of an average US soldier in Iraq.
Most people think of Blackwater as those wannabe soldiers protecting chicken shit diplomats inside the green zone in Baghdad. Nothing could be further from the truth. My first assignment was something they call “Chaos Flying.” This is pretty much the same as Blind Firing but the difference is you climb aboard a C-17 Globemaster and the pilot dons his black bandana and you fly randomly to any place in the world. Secrecy is paramount. Blackwater contractors are not told where they are or what they are doing. Not even headquarters knows the full details of any mission. We were told to climb off the plane and start discharging our weapons anywhere. This is the Fog of War. No one knows what went on in those few seconds. It all happened in a blur of gunfire. Before I knew it we were back on the plane to another destination.
Civilian causalities are non-existent to Blackwater troops because technically everyone is an enemy or potential enemy. Corporations are also at war with there own subsidiaries so there could be Blackwater contractors firing on themselves. You never want to point a gun at an individual unless you’re prepared to use it and it is Blackwater’s policy to always have guns drawn so it’s inevitable that anyone can be shot at anytime. However, Blackwater is always on guard due to extensive “bandana training.” There could be rogue Blackwater security forces working for OPEC, Pepsi and Nextel planning an attack on Mitsubishi, Ikea and Bud Light. Rogain could join forces with Kellogg’s Fruity Pebbles to take control of Hershey’s new ad campaign. We fight in a new paradigm. It’s a dangerous world but it’s our professionalism that seeks order through blind chaos.
This is the new Corporate Elite Soldier. Blackwater is committed to supporting national and international security policies that protect defenseless corporations whatever side they’re on. They dedicate themselves to providing an efficient and effective stream of disorder that may or may not randomly impact the lives of those still caught in a secure world. They are further committed to a ten horned hydra-headed seahorse-like beast. Those who believe in a peaceful future for their communities and nations will be caught in the cross fire too. Whether they serve in uniform or out, civilian or terrorist, non-combatant, animal, vegetable or mineral, Blackwater will be there.