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I downloaded Zero Dark Thirty off BitTorrent because I thought I’d review the film exclusively for Media Underground. I’m not going to pay one dime for a Lockheed Martin commercial and I knew how it ends so here’s my take. The film should be called Zero Fucks Movie. It begins with a ginger anorexic pale Carrot Juice Maya bitch standing in the background during a torture scene but you’re supposed to feel sorry for her because she can’t stand to watch torture. First thoughts: Any CIA agent in that room is going to be a West Point graduate and a professional sadist and is not going to give a fuck about torture. When they keep cutting back to her with that Florence Nightingale compassion cunt face it’s utterly laughable.

Carrot Juice has a good guy sidekick. He’s the bearded hipster CIA Torture Bro who looks like a Christian Singles extra from the Left Behind series and Wolf Blitzer’s pothead stepson had an anal baby. He’s also a grown up version of the kid in MASK or Cher after her facial surgery. I guess they want the film to have that artsy glassy eyed North Korean indoctrination feel to it. Or maybe the Pentagon’s casting director spotted him at an industrial Screen Actors Guild party for the Kansas National Guard. I’m not sure which but he has to be the most annoying actor I’ve seen on film ever. And that means worse than Jar Jar Binks and Steven Segal in Above the Law combined.

Everyone thinks this film is hard to watch because of the torture scenes. The torture scenes are only difficult to watch because the movie sucks tail pipes. It has nothing to do with torture itself. The point is it feels like torture because you’re thirty minutes into this film and you know you have another two and a half hours of this stick figure Carrot Top creature who has the acting skills of a corpse. Worst acting I’ve seen since I watched NORAD explain the timelines to the 9-11 Commission. I wouldn’t even call it acting. I would call it a three hour snuff film. They repeat their lines like someone just asked them to repeat their lines. Two Girls and a Cup could walk into the room and begin to eat fresh shit off the floor, no reaction.

Come to think of it there is an actual Two Girls and a Cup scene in this movie and you don’t even notice. Torture Bro is eating a chocolate ice cream cone right next to a monkey cage. These are those little squirrel monkeys with AIDS. I’m not sure why they have monkeys at a CIA Black Site, but AIDS monkeys are always cute. And you can always get ice cream at a rendition site. Anyway, so he’s eating ice cream right next to the monkey cage and the monkey is grabbing at the cone like it’s a Two Girls and a Cup monkey documentary. He lets the monkey grab a handful of chocolate ice cream with his little monkey hands because after you’ve been torturing guys all day long who doesn’t want to feed a monkey with shit on its hands? The monkey has his hands right in the ice cream and Torture Bro puts the rest of the ice cream cone in his mouth. Again, no reaction. After he just ate AIDS infected monkey shit ice cream. Anytime you see a character in a film feed animals you know he’s the good guy even if he just punched the monkey in the face after he fed it. A guard walks by and says, “You Agency guys are twisted”. Yeah and don’t fuck with me because we’re trained to eat monkey shit.

Every five minutes watching this film I heard a voice in my head say, “I just don’t fucking care” but strangely it was the voice of Norman Mineta. It’s almost as if Norman Mineta the Secretary of Transportation was actually in my head sitting there, at a desk, behind a microphone, at the 9-11 Commission saying, “The movie is 50 miles out. The movie is 30 miles out. The movie is 10 miles out. Does the movie still suck?” At this point I see Dick Cheney turn and whip his neck around, “Of course the movie still sucks have you heard anything to the contrary?” Then back to Mineta’s head and his disembodied voice.

I’ll have to admit there are subtle clues to how evil these terrorists are. Carrot Crotch asks a prisoner named Faraj about one of his associates, “What does this guy look like?” Faraj says, “Tall, long white beard, thin, he uses a cane” and Fire Crotch says, “Kind of like Gandolf?” The camera pulls back to Faraj and he says, “Who?” There’s a long pause. Big Red looks back and you know shit is going to get real. Now it’s not catchin’ Bin Laden Dead or Alive. This crazy motherfucker didn’t get my joke and knows nothing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So they begin to beat and fuck him again unmercifully. He might as well have said, “I spit upon this Gandolf. Fuck you and fuck your Peter Jackson Infidel”.

Ok middle part of the movie. More shit blows up, people scream at each other, computers, cell phones, Ali Akbar, someone kills all the squirrel monkeys, Torture Bro shaves his beard off, years go by, Big Red is the only one working on the case, dusty shit, more ass kicking and naked men in plywood rooms, more dust, sunglasses, Pakistan, motorcycles, serious people, a guy pounds on a table and gets really pissed like Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. The plot is hard to follow but then again it’s the Fog of War and Bin Laden is sneaky. The whole middle part of the film could have been edited out and a cartoon inserted with Tom and Jerry pounding each other on the head with a wooden mallet.

Oh and I forgot. That voice in my head saying, “I don’t fucking care”? That’s actually in the movie. One of the main CIA boss characters looks Carrot Juice right in her ginger retard face and says, “I don’t fucking care about Bin Laden”. So it’s not just me. Even a character in the film itself is saying what I’m thinking. And that my friend is a frightening epiphany. When you have the voice in your head authenticated by a Defense Department Domination porn video, when “objective” reality is synched to confirmatory factor analysis there’s a moment when the hair on the back of your neck stands up. It all becomes crystal clear. YES my Intelligence Officer actor friend! I don’t care either because since 9-11 we have killed, maimed, tortured, starved, raped, pillaged, smart bombed, blasphemed, marginalized, humiliated, pissed on, piled up, imprisoned, carpet bombed and droned fucked over one million of our fellow human beings for an attack that killed only three thousand Americans. That’s not eye for an eye. That is 333.3 eyes for one fucking eye. Get over it. This war has gone on too long. Kill fucking Bin Laden or let it go or shit or get off the pot I don’t care anymore. And we don’t need another fucking movie about this. Even the goddam CIA and Navy Seals don’t want you to glorify it anymore they just want to come home and drink a goddam beer. Please for the love of God shut the fuck up this movie was a waste of time.

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It’s been a while since I wrote anything because I’ve been on a clandestine mission. I was sent to North Carolina as an embedded reporter. The plan was to infiltrate Blackwater and establish a beach head for information on corporate mercenaries. For six months I trained in a secluded wetland preserve outside Suffolk, NC, sleeping inside a cave. I immersed myself in weapons training, survival, first aid, crowd control, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and commercial country radio. I also practiced the fine art of firing my weapon randomly at any object within a three hundred yard perimeter. Unsystematic weapons discharge and Total Eradication Arbitrary of Moving or Fixed Angle Geography, also known as TEAMFAG, is compulsory at Blackwater. The black bandana is key. Normally worn around the forehead, a skilled security contractor in any situation will pull the bandana over his eyes and uncontrollably utilize any weapon in his arsenal. This is called Blind Firing. After six months of self training, I was ready to apply.

As I approached the Headquarters at Blackwater USA, I found the parking lot filled with Sport Utility Vehicles modified with what is called the True Quad PowerTrain. Not available to the general public as of 2011, these transport units come with a separate engine for each wheel making it a true Quad 4WD. The gas mileage is still classified but experts agree the 400 gallon tank can last a quarter of a mile before refueling. Not surprisingly for the past 50 miles outside Blackwater I drove past thousands of gas stations. Each refueling station was connected directly to a petrochemical plant owned and operated by Blackwater. Half of the refueling stations were on fire or exploding. I navigated a series of security checkpoints where Blackwater contractors were basically running around killing each other, so I had no problem slipping past undetected.

Most people think of mercenaries as dirty, camo-clad ex-Navy Seals with painted faces creeping out of some pond filled with slimy moss and poisonous snakes. Not the security contractor of today. Blackwater is a private contracting firm. They protect private enterprise and global corporations. The new look resembles a black NASCAR uniform. The Medal of Honor is the corporate logo. Gulf Oil, British Petroleum, Texaco, Sprint, Snickers, Tide, Vaseline and Kentucky Fried Chicken are displayed proudly for brave dedication of service. Dishonor at Burger King can open up a can of whoop ass. These men give their lives for the freedom to have the burger cooked anyway they like it. And if you don’t like it? Then it’s lock and load and Taste the Rainbow. That’s just Ford Tough. I’ll Shout it Out that I protect the smooth creamy rich filling inside a Milky Way Bar. Can you hear me now?

Inside the waiting room at Personnel I saw a sea of psychotic men screaming out their favorite commercial jingles. It was like a food court gone mad. To the right was a Pizza Hut and on the left was a shooting range. I’m not sure if anyone was in charge. I asked around for some kind of secretary or employment application. After I ordered a Supreme Personal Pan Pizza I dodged more bullets from the Blind Firing and made my way back to the table. I finally found that on the back of the Pizza Hut paper tray liner was some kind of game or test you had to pass before you were considered a full time employee. I connected the dots with Crayons to form what looked like a dragon with seven heads and ten horns. Or it could have been a seahorse I’m not sure. There didn’t seem to be anyone checking for errors, so I just left it on the table. I was now a full time employee of Blackwater USA, making more than twenty times that of an average US soldier in Iraq.

Most people think of Blackwater as those wannabe soldiers protecting chicken shit diplomats inside the green zone in Baghdad. Nothing could be further from the truth. My first assignment was something they call “Chaos Flying.” This is pretty much the same as Blind Firing but the difference is you climb aboard a C-17 Globemaster and the pilot dons his black bandana and you fly randomly to any place in the world. Secrecy is paramount. Blackwater contractors are not told where they are or what they are doing. Not even headquarters knows the full details of any mission. We were told to climb off the plane and start discharging our weapons anywhere. This is the Fog of War. No one knows what went on in those few seconds. It all happened in a blur of gunfire. Before I knew it we were back on the plane to another destination.

Civilian causalities are non-existent to Blackwater troops because technically everyone is an enemy or potential enemy. Corporations are also at war with there own subsidiaries so there could be Blackwater contractors firing on themselves. You never want to point a gun at an individual unless you’re prepared to use it and it is Blackwater’s policy to always have guns drawn so it’s inevitable that anyone can be shot at anytime. However, Blackwater is always on guard due to extensive “bandana training.” There could be rogue Blackwater security forces working for OPEC, Pepsi and Nextel planning an attack on Mitsubishi, Ikea and Bud Light. Rogain could join forces with Kellogg’s Fruity Pebbles to take control of Hershey’s new ad campaign. We fight in a new paradigm. It’s a dangerous world but it’s our professionalism that seeks order through blind chaos.

This is the new Corporate Elite Soldier. Blackwater is committed to supporting national and international security policies that protect defenseless corporations whatever side they’re on. They dedicate themselves to providing an efficient and effective stream of disorder that may or may not randomly impact the lives of those still caught in a secure world. They are further committed to a ten horned hydra-headed seahorse-like beast. Those who believe in a peaceful future for their communities and nations will be caught in the cross fire too. Whether they serve in uniform or out, civilian or terrorist, non-combatant, animal, vegetable or mineral, Blackwater will be there.

Let’s have another Civil War but this time we’ll just nuke the entire South out of existence. I know I know there’s a few cool cities like Athens and Austin Texas and you hip Southerners with your tattoos and cool bands think you’re making a difference but you’re not. It’s never going to change. It’s never going to get any better. Just get the fuck out before it implodes in on itself into martial law and cannibalism after NORAD blows it back into the Stone Age. We have the technology to turn the entire state of Mississippi into a sea of glass. Drop cluster bombs over Florida and send in crop dusters filled with Anthrax to Dallas so every last one of you backward creepy ass crackers taste the full power of the United States Government.

Oh goddam I am sick and tired of hearing your racist bullshit and homophobic Fundamentalist Christian fascism you chigger bite covered hillbillies. You don’t want to teach evolution in school? Fine! We’ll solve that problem for you. You won’t have to worry about the local school district teaching science when you’re too busy training your child how to walk on flippers. You can blame witches or Darwin or Satan or the gays while you’re picking depleted uranium out of your teeth. Your right to bear arms won’t matter much with a nuclear-powered Ohio class submarine just off the coast of Georgia loaded with 24 Trident II ballistic missiles in launch mode. I’m sure you’ll attempt some kind of guerrilla war with a few pickup trucks waving you’re Rebel flag out the window but most of you will be dead or dying of radiation sickness and it will be funny. It won’t be sad. No one will miss you. We’ll watch it all on CNN and laugh until we can’t breathe rolling on the carpet in front to the TV.

We should probably drop leaflets and give everyone 24 hours to get out before we launch a full scale nuclear war. Anyone dumb enough to stay and fight for the Glorious South deserves to have their eyes melt inside their skull as they wait in line at a Chick-fill-A. Oh my God you have to be the dumbest, fattest, most backward, retarded, slave owning, Fundamentalist, toothless, ingrate fucks on the planet. Worse than any Al Qaeda or North Korean and more dangerous and stupid than suicide bombers. I have no idea why we are wasting our time in the Middle East. The real danger to America is the deep South. Please for the love of God kill yourself or give us a reason to invade. NASCAR in and of itself is an act of war. It has to be the dumbest fucking sport in the history of the world. Oh holy Jesus you drive cars around in a circle? Seriously fuck you and fuck Dale Earnhardt. I’m glad he’s dead. Fuck your country music, fuck grits, fuck your sweet ice tea, fuck your stupid pickup trucks and the Klan and fuck your White Southern Baptist Church.

Most progressives and Yankees who live up here where we use our brains don’t have the balls to actually pray for a full scale nuclear war on the South. Most of us are open-minded. We have this thing called understanding and compassion. I know you’ve never heard of it because you never actually read that fucking book you claim is the Word of God but I have some news for you that I’m sure you won’t be unable to stomach. Jesus was not white. He wasn’t an asshole. He never said anything about homosexuals and He sure as shit never loved people like you. And this is why he’s coming back to break the Seventh Seal of the apocalypse and separate the sheep from the goats. And you’re the goats. Every last one of you.

And what is up with that ignorant white trash southern drawl? Do you want to sound stupid? Have you ever listened to yourself? Where did you get that horrifying speech impediment? All you do is watch television anyway can’t you just sound out the words like they do on TV? As retarded as American television is they at least know how to speak. We’re all tired of your fake fucking Good Ol’ Boy accent. Nobody cares. We all hate you. You’re a plague on Western Civilization. I don’t care if this sounds offensive because I don’t care if you even read this. You wouldn’t understand it anyway. There are too many big words. You’re too busy cookin’ up a mess of frog legs on the skillet or fucking chickens in your back yard. You don’t have the attention span to finish this sentence. You just repeat shit your pastor says and even your religious leaders are fucking illiterate.

Oh and you hate the city folk, the gays and the liberals don’t you? Those open minded people who try to include everyone. I’ll agree with you we are annoying but not for the same reason you find. The problem with liberals and progressives is that we’re not violent enough and don’t have the same gut rage that you do. If we could only find that same deep hatred in our hearts, if we could only be as brutal and cruel as you, if we could only cry out for war to finally wipe you off the face of the earth. We need more slave owners, assassins and blood thirsty tyrants. If we had more vigilante groups, more crooked police and our own version of the Klan we could just ride through the South on horses and lynch you from the nearest tree. Burn down all your churches. Throw you in prison. Kill your fathers and mothers and enslave your children. If you even looked at our women you would be dead. If you talked back to us you would go to jail. You’re too dangerous to own guns, you’re too stupid to learn how to read, you’re too evil to have any freedom and we don’t trust you. We don’t want you in our neighborhood and we don’t want to see you mingling with our kind. We don’t want you to get married, we don’t want you in our churches, we don’t want you to raise children and we don’t want to see you kissing in public.

How does the hate feel now asshole?

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