I’ve been in somewhat of a mystical bent these past few days asking all kinds of questions on accepted belief systems. I usually start the morning off with a simple theoretical problem. For instance, today I’m thinking about hell. I know everyone says when you die and you go to hell you’re supposed to go to this really hot place forever. Without beginning or end. Eternally for a really long time. You can’t comprehend it. Kind of like an Opera of Macbeth in German followed by Parsifal with no breaks and the concession stand is out of beer.

But what’s the actual temperature of hell? Is it like 5000 degrees? 10,000 degrees? Is it as hot as the sun? That’s supposed to be about 15 million degrees. Let’s say hell is 15 million degrees give or take. Whatever. When you get there it’s hotter than fuck like you just burned your hand on one of those swirly orange glowing electric stove top things. That’s screaming and running around on fire hot. It’s going to really suck I know.

I’ve been mulling this around as a spiritual exercise. At first it’s definitely going to be hot. I got that. But people say hell is also eternal. So is it going to really suck that bad forever? For all eternity? Don’t you think after a while you’re going to get used to it? Let’s say after a million years or so. Or even a million billion years. But remember its eternity so a million billion years will seem like the blink of an eye. Let’s say you’ve been there for a bit longer than the blink of an eye. Let’s say it’s been about fifty years in hell time. After a while it’s going to feel like 15 million degrees is normal. That’s the temperature it’s supposed to be. It’s hell. It has to be that hot. But if it goes down at all it’s going to seem cooler and people in hell will get a small breather. It would have to constantly keep getting hotter for it to suck forever. How powerful is Satan if he can keep turning the temperature up forever?

He’s got to be a workaholic. He’s everywhere on earth and down in hell shoveling coal on a furnace, while at the same time tempting people to fornicate, steal, murder and believe in false gods. He’s also starting wars, famine, plagues and pestilence while shoveling more coal and keeping things always sucking. How does he find the time? Does he ever take a vacation? Here’s where the fundamentalists get you. This is what they say, “He has people do his work for him. He has a pitchfork and he stabs you on the head or neck while he turns up the heat. He may not even turn it up himself; he probably gets people to do that too. They crank up some kind of devil machine that he built. He tells them to do it and/or he has the pitchfork so they just do it anyway.”

Let me get this straight. We work for Satan. He jabs us with a pitchfork. We’re really the ones working to keep it hot. So it’s really the pitchfork that sucks. Satan can’t do shit without it. How quick is he with this? There’s going to be a lot of people in hell so there better be a shit load of pitchforking. Did he build a machine for that too? And it’s got to keep getting worse or people will get used to it. It’s got to keep going in deeper, over every inch of your body, for eternity, for everyone in hell, or it’s not going to keep people working to make stuff hotter forever.

Still a million billion years of being hot and poked with a pointed stick is not my idea of fun. But ask yourself this. How has he been able to get away with this evil for so long? You would think somebody would have shot this guy in the head a long time ago and saved us all the bullshit. So I look to the Bible for answers and I find out someone actually catches this fucker but they let him back out! Get this. In the Book of Revelation 20:1-3 it says, “And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years, and cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”

Does anyone ever ask how the fuck this happens? I know a lot of people are lost on the Trinity. People have a million different interpretations on Christ, God and the Bible. The Garden of Eden story is weird too because it seems like the snake is the one who actually told the truth about the apple. Or why did God put that tree in the garden with those fucked up apples there in the first place? Noah brings every kind of animal on a boat? Somehow he found every species of mosquito and poisonous toad, leeches and creepy parasites that crawl inside your eyeballs and lay eggs. There’s worms, bats, spiders and rats. You know how many different kinds of rats there are? I know it’s complicated. But God works in mysterious ways.

But let’s go back to the Book of Revelation if it wasn’t clear enough for you the first time. “Till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”

You mean to tell me an angel catches this assclown and puts him in a bottomless pit. But for some strange reason he lets him out again? After only a thousand years? What in the fuck? You have the keys asshole! What kind of angel is this? Sounds like a dick angel to me. Keep him in there! I’m in hell for all eternity and it’s hot as fuck. It lasts longer than a billion million years. No human can even comprehend how long it is. I’m getting beaten, stabbed and ass raped repeatedly. I also have to do Satan’s work to keep hell hot and this fucktard angel let him free on work release? Does he have a good lawyer? Did he get out on a technicality or good behavior? Did the Devil get one of those ankle bracelets to clean trash on the highway and somehow hitchhikes back? And if he looks like Satan who would be dumb enough to pick him up? It would have to be some blind Greek mythology Professor who mistook his pitchfork for Poseidon’s trident.

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