I’m chatting with a friend about Implantable Transponder Chips, it’s just another Sunday afternoon and I stopped in mid sentence thinking of the word transponder. “Hey that sounds familiar. I seem to remember reading something about the transponders being turned off somewhere. It was that switch those sneaky terrorists found on 9-11. NORAD was up shit creek as George W. Bush read a book on feral goats.”

But what is the purpose of an Implantable Transponder Chip for humans? Why do they tell us we’ll need one in the bright future? Oh for fuck sake maybe grandpa is lost in the woods again. He’s got distemper. We don’t know what he might do. We’ll have to put a chip on his forehead just to keep track.

Do you think grandpa will have that secret on/off switch too? Just in case all hell breaks loose and he needs the switch for some reason when he’s lost in the woods? Let’s say he’s not really lost he just wants to turn the switch off for a goof. Maybe he wants to play a prank on the front desk girl at the Sunnydale Rest Home. Maybe the doctor who implanted it on his skull told him about the switch, “Remember Frank. If things get really crazy you can always shut the transponder off. If you’re ever lost and you don’t want to be found just flip this switch right here on the taint. It’s in a secret place between the scrotum and butthole. Taint balls, taint ass. Get it? Well anyway no one should ever find it.”

Here’s a possible scenario. Frank is lost in the woods unprotected. He’s rolling around smacking into trees. Sunnydale Rest Home needs to keep track. It’s total chaos. Anything can happen. Let’s say a group of Boy Scouts find Frank naked and screaming in a patch of poison ivy. Let’s say hypothetically the Scout Master is a pedophile. Let’s also say, just for the sake of argument that the Scout Master tells the troop to beat and fuck Frank until he’s dead and they’ll all get a Gang Rape Merit Badge. The PowerReachTM5G transponder module in Frank’s forehead is capable of transmitting data up to distances of 320 kilometers. The front desk at Sunnydale has an array of tracking equipment. They know the exact location of every patient. But the Scout Master knows where Frank’s secret switch is. An hour and fifty minutes creep by and Frank is raped repeatedly by a troop of adolescent Boy Scouts.

How did the Scout Master know about the secret switch? Why would the doctor implant a Transponder Chip in Frank’s forehead with an on/off control on his taint? We know the Transponder is there for a reason. It’s for emergencies. Anything can happen in the woods. Sunnydale needs to know where Frank is at all times. Somehow he gets lost on the radar screen. Do they send out a nurse? Call the police? Form a search party? Fuck no. It just so happens, Frank was raped during a routine exercise. The staff at Sunnydale were coincidentally herding everyone out the door for the rape crisis awareness drill Virginal Guardian. No one saw what was happening until it was too late.

The Scout Master gives a long patriotic speech about honor and silence during a time of tragedy. Frank’s corpse is buried by the troop in a shallow grave and later dug up by wolves and torn to pieces. This is just a hypothetical situation. The important point I want to make is that the PowerReachTM5G transponder module is designed for total security but also includes a simple on/off mode option.

Or here’s another scenario. Sunnydale might want to keep track of Frank’s family. Let’s say there are all kinds of people coming and going through the Sunnydale Rest Home security perimeter. Things can get crazy. People drop off presents and flowers. They visit at all hours of the day. You never know how long to stay. Old people can die at any time. Maybe the family might want to know of Frank’s impending death while they’re out buying flowers. Or Sunnydale might want to know where Frank’s family is just in case they forgot the copay.

How can Sunnydale convince all the families to come on board with the PowerReachTM5G transponder module? This may sound crazy, but what if Sunnydale could stage an event somehow, say another Virginal Guardian test. Frank may or may not be in on it. The doctor may have told him about it or it was stuck somewhere in the appendix on page 378 of the PowerReachTM5G transponder instruction manual. PowerReach will clearly inform all customers of article 66934vs2r17.

“In the event of (0) / 2 + (k=1..) (a(k) cos kx + b(k) the customer will agree to 1/PI f(x) kx dx 9838453 any test Sunnydale Rest Home may decide to exercise during a routine Dn(t) dt Sn(x) = 1/PI ? f(x+t) Dn(t) dt Dn(x) = Dirichlet kernel = to advance said customer support relations 1/2 + cos x + cos 2x + cos nx = [ sin(n + 1/2)x ] / [ 2sin(x/2) ] under article 66934vs2r17 of the PowerReachTM5G transponder instruction manual limf(t) cos kt dt = lim(k->)f(t) sin kt dt = 0 A(0) a Scout Master may fuck your ass [ A(k) cos (k(PI)x / m) + B(k) (sin k(PI)x / m) so we can test our radar system or start a war with ] a(k) = 1/m f(x) any other Rest Home we want which may or may not have supplies we need (k(PI)x / m) dx xk+1 = (xk + y / (xk)n-1) if you agree to these terms and conditions it really doesn’t matter 21/3 = 1.259921049894 B = 0.61357421875 We’ll do what we want whenever we want anyway 29 = 0.7098625 * 23 exp = 9 – 3 = 6 yi+1 = yi + (xn/2)(a – yi2) ax2 + 2bx + c = 0 x2/r2 = 1+ 2/r2 = -130 = 0”

Basically what this means is Frank’s part of the Sunnydale Rest Home “test” or what we could describe as the PowerReachTM5G transponder Venereal Grandfather exercise. Since PowerReach virtually owns Sunnydale and can shut the electricity off with one key stroke we’ll just call it the PowerReach Frank is Fucked Guardian Test Thing Whatever. We can call it what we want. The point is Sunnydale needs to keep track. So they stage a spectacular event. They hire a few Scout Masters to beat and fuck Frank in the woods until he’s unconscious. The family was told all about the significance of the Transponder Chip. But somehow the on/off switch got activated and the family wants to know why. That’s where PowerReach comes in. They sing a few Sunnydale songs, print up some bumper stickers so we never forget and the CEO reminds people of what can happen in the woods. The family gets a heartfelt apology from the PowerReach PR firm on the mistakes that were made and the shareholders have agreed that the PowerReach TM5G transponder module will now support a new failproof re-designed on/off mode option.

I steal eBooks off bittorrent. Get over it. The internet is the new printing press and library all wrapped up into one little machine inside your own home. If you want to “check books out of the library” learn how to use bittorrent, Calibre and file shares. Wrap your mind around it. What do you think a library is? It’s a place to find and read free books. Plain and simple. I’m sure when the first library was built there were authors who pissed and moaned about how no one would be paying for their books but where the fuck are those authors now? They’re dead. And if you’re only writing to make money then you shouldn’t be writing in the first place.

“Of all writings I love only that which is written with blood. Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit.” — Nietzsche

The most frightening thing to people in power is a more powerful printing press and a gigantic library where anyone can read anything they want. Think about it. The publishing industry and our government would absolutely love to control this but the genie is already out of the bottle. Those in power will never out hack the hackers and this internet you are using right now was literally built by hackers and the free flow of information.

“Isn’t it still stealing?” You should also tell that to Jeff Bezos. I make .89 cents per book from my $10.00 book. A book that I wrote myself, made my own cover, formatted it, published it, promoted it and uploaded it. How does that work exactly? When the Kindle version is just a simple download? How does Amazon make 90% off my book and every other small author’s book? Fuck me if that’s not stealing too.

And what about the publishing industry? Why didn’t they accept my book so I could sell it legitimately like a real author? Or my movie? Oh let me see, I think they said something like they were both too controversial or not mainstream enough. (You’ll probably say, “Because they probably suck” but whatever, to each his own). But what is my option for a distribution platform? How do I get my book or movie out to my audience since the Today Show isn’t knocking on my door?

When the printing press was invented it was a giant leap forward. Here’s a quote I stole outright, copied and pasted straight from Wikipedia, “The invention and spread of the printing press is widely regarded as the most influential event in the second millennium AD, revolutionizing the way people conceive and describe the world they live in, and ushering in the period of modernity.” When the people in power realized anyone could build a printing press and distribute whatever information they wanted they knew full well they were losing their grip. So what was the next step? Control the printing press.

Imagine a world where every individual has in their own home their own printing press. When you right click on a file (no matter how large it is) and copy and paste it you can make an exact copy of that file. What do you think you’re doing? It’s the same thing as the printing press only multiplied by millions. Not only is it possible to copy and paste millions of bits of information but millions of average people have this technology in their own home.

Now imagine an author who writes the next modern day version of The Rights of Man by Thomas Paine. What if Amazon won’t allow it on their site? What if the government doesn’t want it distributed? What if all the mainstream media outlets are dead set against it and the church is preaching at the pulpit on how dangerous it is? How would anyone ever hear those ideas if everything is under control and no one could share information? Not just in the US but think of fascist dictatorships and fundamentalist theocracies. This technology would be a revolution and that is exactly what is happening right under your nose but you’re too fucking stupid or unwilling to face it.

What’s amazing to me is that the average person has had the ability to do this since 1997 (when even my parents bought a computer) and somehow I’m the freak? Maybe it’s because I use this uncontrolled flow of information and you are still living in a goddam cave. I am using a giant library that you couldn’t even begin to imagine and you are only reading what you are told you can read or what you can find on Amazon. Half of the books on my Kindle right now you couldn’t find at a physical library if you tried.

“Oh but James with a real library you don’t pay for books, but you do have to return them within a set period. With file-sharing the book is not being returned, it is being kept indefinitely.” That just makes this kind of “library” that much more amazing, hard to comprehend, revolutionary and giant a paradigm shift.

The whole concept of the internet was first envisioned by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). During the cold war they were worried that during a nuclear attack, if they had all their intelligence in one place, how would they protect it? You couldn’t build a bunker deep enough and the Soviets would find the location. So they came up with the idea to distribute that information everywhere. With a giant web of information any place attacked wouldn’t be a problem because it would also exist somewhere else.

Now we the People have that same technology in our hands. The Puppet Masters don’t mind. Trust me they wouldn’t let us have this power if it were really that dangerous. Plus they probably realized it would be a great leap forward and help topple dictatorships and tyranny all over the world. Look at P2P and bittorrent as the same thing. It’s a giant library that exists on millions of hard drives all over the world. I know on one hand you can look at it like it’s a way to “steal” music, movies and software. But what if something happened? Like all the media outlets came under control of a small group of people (which is actually happening as I write this), or a giant war broke out or a natural disaster. All of that information, music, film and software would still be out there somewhere on all the millions of hard drives and computers. That is a giant indestructible library. And even if the internet is shut down or it becomes so chaotic we don’t have electricity that data is still on those hard drives. When we rebuild an infrastructure we’ll be able to access it and share it again. Think about that asshole who torched the Library at Alexandria. There will be no way some religious nut could burn it all down.

“Oh James but if everyone just pirates books off the Internet all the writers would just quit because they would have to get real jobs to support themselves.” That sounds like the Fundamentalist Christian argument against homosexuality. They argue, “What if everyone becomes gay? No one anywhere on the planet will reproduce and eventually we will all die off as a species!” Give me a break. There will always be people who buy books, music, film and software. People still buy my book and there is no way I can control what they do with it after they have it in their hands. This is just a fact of life and I can either accept it or whine and complain about it. Or I can actually look at it from a different perspective.

Every system has its problems and attributes. I used to work at a Public Library and if you only knew what kind of controls and red tape that went in to what books ended up on the shelf your head would explode. Also I have always asked myself why certain books weren’t even available at Border’s or Barnes & Nobel. It has to do with distribution and who controls what goes on the shelf. Now I’ll agree the downside to this new “library” is the problem with compensation to the creator. But you cannot deny the fact that with this new kind of distribution platform there is way, way more variety, selection, freedom and access. Ever go to a grocery store and wonder why they have the worst books by the checkout lane? It’s because someone controls that shelf space. It’s as simple as that. I used to wonder if everyone was just too stupid to read good literature or was it the marketing? Were these books actually brilliant and I’m just the fucking idiot? Was it the manager of the store who had no taste? Go to another store from the same corporate chain on the other side of town and you’ll see the same books right there on the shelf. There’s a conspiracy to dumb down America and if you don’t see it I don’t how to explain it to you. Something is under control. Sometimes I feel like Winston Smith from 1984 when I discus this problem and I am amazed at how people just repeat the same slogans they hear off the Telescreen. And anyone who thinks differently is committing Thoughtcrime. If you’re too stupid to steal books or think it’s morally wrong then don’t. I don’t really give a fuck.

“I hate the reading idlers.” – Fredrick Nietzsche

Down in the third sub-basement below Mortimer’s castle here at Media Underground, I  just finished a three week investigation into Halo 3 Live. I had some suspicion that the gamer PinkUnicorn12 had hacked into my X-Box game controller and installed a remote program to make me lose every game I played against her and all of her online friends. I also found I lost to random players and even a five year old boy with a broken arm who said he was eating a sandwich at the time. I remember hearing his exact words, “I just pawned your bitch-ass down”. I knew there must have been some security breach with either the game controller or my X-Box console. Statistically I had been able to win one or two games out of 1000 games played. I switched controllers and nothing seemed to add up. Then the phone rang…

“Inman, this is Mortimer.”

“Ah… (long pause)… Yeah?”

“Get off the X-Box for Christ sake while I’m talking to you on the phone.”

“Ok, what?”

“I’m sending you to West Africa for an initiation into the Bwiti ceremony. You are to meet up with the head of the tribe. The Shaman’s name is N’ganga. You’ll take massive amounts of a drug called ibogaine. During the ritual the visions will come on pretty strong for about eight to ten hours during which time I want you to look for machine elves, the Terrence McKenna kind. Grab one as your spirit guide and find out everything you can on Simulated Reality.”

“Yeah ok… just a second… Oh no, you took my Plasma Rifle bitch!”

“Inman this is important. Put down the controller.”

“Ok I got it. Machine elves and SimCity, I used to play that game. I’ll get on it.”

“Not SimCity you retard. Simulated Reality. It’s the proposition that…”

“NO! NO! NO! You whore! Goddamit!” (explosions in the background)

“Put it away for the last fucking time Inman or I’m coming down there. It’s not the video game SimCity. Look, just get a pen and write this down… Simulated Reality.”


“Simulated. S-I-M-U-L-A-T-E-D as in fake reality. Jesus I can’t believe I have to deal with this. Did you go to public school? Look, you have your mission. The plane leaves for Gabon tomorrow. I know it’s a weird way to go about this and it may be a shot in the dark. N’ganga has been a buddy of mine for years and he’ll talk you down if you go nutters. I had Klein on this one at first but he says he’s allergic to Tabernanthe bark or some crap. Anyway keep a diary because I might be able to find clues from your notes. Write everything down. Don’t freak out and remember, look for anything out of place or ask a machine elf spirit guide. I need to know if the universe itself could be a computer simulation indistinguishable from “true” reality. And if it’s possible that someone could actually hack reality.”

I put the phone down. I stare at the wall for a few seconds. Did I just hear what I think I heard? This is the ultimate paranoid conspiracy and he’s lost his goddam mind. He’s gone Syd Barrett batshit-crazy and he’s trying to take me with him. I’ll have a psychotic breakdown from some bad reaction to ibogaine, wake up barefoot and penniless wandering around West Africa, collapse from malnutrition and dysentery and finally end up being torn to pieces by wild hyenas in a dried up river bed. There’s no way I can go on this trip. I’ll have to fake the simulated reality study.

At first I thought it would be easy. I’d just type simulated reality into Wikipedia and make a few notes. Scribble weird crap in a diary with mathematical symbols and rub dust all over the cover so it looks like I’ve been in the desert for three days. No problem. That’s when I remembered N’ganga would be waiting for me in Gabon. If I don’t show up he’ll ask Mortimer what happened. I’ll have to hire a guy to fly down to Gabon, have him meet up with N’ganga posing as me, he’ll take the ibogaine and write a few things down about elves, send me his notes and I’ll mix that with the Wiki simulated reality material in a dusted up diary.

Sounds like the perfect plan right? Turns out the guy I send down there used to hang out with N’ganga in Glastonbury in the late 80s. And N’ganga isn’t N’ganga. His real name is Niles Octavious Hall the twin brother of the Governor General of Jamaica Kenneth O. Hall. Niles O. Hall was the Black Rebel Jamaican Freedom Fighter who later migrated to Gabon and became a Bwiti initiate. Kenneth O. Hall was the Dean of the State University of New York who later became the Governor General of Jamaica.

Just a side note, the Bwiti ceremonies are led by a (male or female) spiritual leader who has extensive knowledge of traditional healing practices, hexes and spells. Their spiritual leader is called an N’ganga. So N’ganga is not only not Niles O. Hall’s real name, it’s not even his fake name because it’s a title. If Niles or the “N’ganga” meets my fake Bwiti initiate dupe posing as me and recognizes him from Glastonbury I’m fucked.

Luckily the guy who was supposed to be me, Ian, didn’t blow my cover and I called Mortimer to tell him I missed the plane. Thinking quickly I also told him I was supposed to meet my “assistant” Ian in Gabon who has a satellite phone and laptop so I can be initiated into the Bwiti ceremony over Skype in the comfort of my office in the third sub-basement. All I really had to do was dose myself with a placebo here, look for the machine elves in my own imagination and tell Mortimer it was all being done according to the Bwiti ritual over remote live video. Sound simple?

Ian doesn’t have a laptop or satellite phone or even a video camera. So I had to write and direct a ten hour fake Bwiti ibogaine ritual on film. First off I couldn’t find a guy who looked like Ian or N’ganga. We tried some kind of computer graphics thing with a friend who said he worked for Pixar. That looked completely retarded. Then we figured the shaman and Ian would probably have tribal paint all over their faces and beards with crap in their hair. No one would notice if they were dancing around with dirt all over everything. We hired two actors who looked the part, painted their faces and recorded the whole thing with an iPhone. I thought the acting was weak at first. I tried to motivate them about machine elves while looking for weird shots with the iPhone. One guy started waving his arms in the air like a Shaman and the other wrote stupid shit in a diary.

So summing up, I don’t know if the machine elves are real. I don’t know if reality is fake or not. I don’t know if I’m sitting in a comfortable chair right now in another part of the universe with a brain-computer interface. I don’t know if I interact with a simulated world and if it receives feedback from me. I don’t know if virtual people exist or if they’re just other poor schlubs strapped in a chair interacting with their brain-computer. I don’t know much of anything. And even if this world is simulated and let’s just say for the sake of argument it is. I found a few clues…

TIBETAN BOOK OF THE DEAD – “Male, female, father, mother, the thunderstorm, the hurricane, the thunder, all phenomena are naturally like magical illusions. However they arise they are truthless. All things are untrue and false.”

LAO TZU – “The world is formed from the void, like utensils from a block of wood. The Master knows the utensils but keeps to the block. Thus he can use all things.”

FREDRICK NIETZSCHE – “Why couldn’t the world that concerns us be a fiction? And if somebody asked, ‘but to be a fiction there surely needs to be an author?’ couldn’t one ask simply why? Doesn’t this longing perhaps belong to the fiction too?”

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