I’ve been in somewhat of a mystical bent these past few days asking all kinds of questions on accepted belief systems. I usually start the morning off with a simple theoretical problem. For instance, today I’m thinking about hell. I know everyone says when you die and you go to hell you’re supposed to go to this really hot place forever. Without beginning or end. Eternally for a really long time. You can’t comprehend it. Kind of like an Opera of Macbeth in German followed by Parsifal with no breaks and the concession stand is out of beer.

But what’s the actual temperature of hell? Is it like 5000 degrees? 10,000 degrees? Is it as hot as the sun? That’s supposed to be about 15 million degrees. Let’s say hell is 15 million degrees give or take. Whatever. When you get there it’s hotter than fuck like you just burned your hand on one of those swirly orange glowing electric stove top things. That’s screaming and running around on fire hot. It’s going to really suck I know.

I’ve been mulling this around as a spiritual exercise. At first it’s definitely going to be hot. I got that. But people say hell is also eternal. So is it going to really suck that bad forever? For all eternity? Don’t you think after a while you’re going to get used to it? Let’s say after a million years or so. Or even a million billion years. But remember its eternity so a million billion years will seem like the blink of an eye. Let’s say you’ve been there for a bit longer than the blink of an eye. Let’s say it’s been about fifty years in hell time. After a while it’s going to feel like 15 million degrees is normal. That’s the temperature it’s supposed to be. It’s hell. It has to be that hot. But if it goes down at all it’s going to seem cooler and people in hell will get a small breather. It would have to constantly keep getting hotter for it to suck forever. How powerful is Satan if he can keep turning the temperature up forever?

He’s got to be a workaholic. He’s everywhere on earth and down in hell shoveling coal on a furnace, while at the same time tempting people to fornicate, steal, murder and believe in false gods. He’s also starting wars, famine, plagues and pestilence while shoveling more coal and keeping things always sucking. How does he find the time? Does he ever take a vacation? Here’s where the fundamentalists get you. This is what they say, “He has people do his work for him. He has a pitchfork and he stabs you on the head or neck while he turns up the heat. He may not even turn it up himself; he probably gets people to do that too. They crank up some kind of devil machine that he built. He tells them to do it and/or he has the pitchfork so they just do it anyway.”

Let me get this straight. We work for Satan. He jabs us with a pitchfork. We’re really the ones working to keep it hot. So it’s really the pitchfork that sucks. Satan can’t do shit without it. How quick is he with this? There’s going to be a lot of people in hell so there better be a shit load of pitchforking. Did he build a machine for that too? And it’s got to keep getting worse or people will get used to it. It’s got to keep going in deeper, over every inch of your body, for eternity, for everyone in hell, or it’s not going to keep people working to make stuff hotter forever.

Still a million billion years of being hot and poked with a pointed stick is not my idea of fun. But ask yourself this. How has he been able to get away with this evil for so long? You would think somebody would have shot this guy in the head a long time ago and saved us all the bullshit. So I look to the Bible for answers and I find out someone actually catches this fucker but they let him back out! Get this. In the Book of Revelation 20:1-3 it says, “And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand. And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years, and cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”

Does anyone ever ask how the fuck this happens? I know a lot of people are lost on the Trinity. People have a million different interpretations on Christ, God and the Bible. The Garden of Eden story is weird too because it seems like the snake is the one who actually told the truth about the apple. Or why did God put that tree in the garden with those fucked up apples there in the first place? Noah brings every kind of animal on a boat? Somehow he found every species of mosquito and poisonous toad, leeches and creepy parasites that crawl inside your eyeballs and lay eggs. There’s worms, bats, spiders and rats. You know how many different kinds of rats there are? I know it’s complicated. But God works in mysterious ways.

But let’s go back to the Book of Revelation if it wasn’t clear enough for you the first time. “Till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be let out for a short time.”

You mean to tell me an angel catches this assclown and puts him in a bottomless pit. But for some strange reason he lets him out again? After only a thousand years? What in the fuck? You have the keys asshole! What kind of angel is this? Sounds like a dick angel to me. Keep him in there! I’m in hell for all eternity and it’s hot as fuck. It lasts longer than a billion million years. No human can even comprehend how long it is. I’m getting beaten, stabbed and ass raped repeatedly. I also have to do Satan’s work to keep hell hot and this fucktard angel let him free on work release? Does he have a good lawyer? Did he get out on a technicality or good behavior? Did the Devil get one of those ankle bracelets to clean trash on the highway and somehow hitchhikes back? And if he looks like Satan who would be dumb enough to pick him up? It would have to be some blind Greek mythology Professor who mistook his pitchfork for Poseidon’s trident.

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Let’s have another Civil War but this time we’ll just nuke the entire South out of existence. I know I know there’s a few cool cities like Athens and Austin Texas and you hip Southerners with your tattoos and cool bands think you’re making a difference but you’re not. It’s never going to change. It’s never going to get any better. Just get the fuck out before it implodes in on itself into martial law and cannibalism after NORAD blows it back into the Stone Age. We have the technology to turn the entire state of Mississippi into a sea of glass. Drop cluster bombs over Florida and send in crop dusters filled with Anthrax to Dallas so every last one of you backward creepy ass crackers taste the full power of the United States Government.

Oh goddam I am sick and tired of hearing your racist bullshit and homophobic Fundamentalist Christian fascism you chigger bite covered hillbillies. You don’t want to teach evolution in school? Fine! We’ll solve that problem for you. You won’t have to worry about the local school district teaching science when you’re too busy training your child how to walk on flippers. You can blame witches or Darwin or Satan or the gays while you’re picking depleted uranium out of your teeth. Your right to bear arms won’t matter much with a nuclear-powered Ohio class submarine just off the coast of Georgia loaded with 24 Trident II ballistic missiles in launch mode. I’m sure you’ll attempt some kind of guerrilla war with a few pickup trucks waving you’re Rebel flag out the window but most of you will be dead or dying of radiation sickness and it will be funny. It won’t be sad. No one will miss you. We’ll watch it all on CNN and laugh until we can’t breathe rolling on the carpet in front to the TV.

We should probably drop leaflets and give everyone 24 hours to get out before we launch a full scale nuclear war. Anyone dumb enough to stay and fight for the Glorious South deserves to have their eyes melt inside their skull as they wait in line at a Chick-fill-A. Oh my God you have to be the dumbest, fattest, most backward, retarded, slave owning, Fundamentalist, toothless, ingrate fucks on the planet. Worse than any Al Qaeda or North Korean and more dangerous and stupid than suicide bombers. I have no idea why we are wasting our time in the Middle East. The real danger to America is the deep South. Please for the love of God kill yourself or give us a reason to invade. NASCAR in and of itself is an act of war. It has to be the dumbest fucking sport in the history of the world. Oh holy Jesus you drive cars around in a circle? Seriously fuck you and fuck Dale Earnhardt. I’m glad he’s dead. Fuck your country music, fuck grits, fuck your sweet ice tea, fuck your stupid pickup trucks and the Klan and fuck your White Southern Baptist Church.

Most progressives and Yankees who live up here where we use our brains don’t have the balls to actually pray for a full scale nuclear war on the South. Most of us are open-minded. We have this thing called understanding and compassion. I know you’ve never heard of it because you never actually read that fucking book you claim is the Word of God but I have some news for you that I’m sure you won’t be unable to stomach. Jesus was not white. He wasn’t an asshole. He never said anything about homosexuals and He sure as shit never loved people like you. And this is why he’s coming back to break the Seventh Seal of the apocalypse and separate the sheep from the goats. And you’re the goats. Every last one of you.

And what is up with that ignorant white trash southern drawl? Do you want to sound stupid? Have you ever listened to yourself? Where did you get that horrifying speech impediment? All you do is watch television anyway can’t you just sound out the words like they do on TV? As retarded as American television is they at least know how to speak. We’re all tired of your fake fucking Good Ol’ Boy accent. Nobody cares. We all hate you. You’re a plague on Western Civilization. I don’t care if this sounds offensive because I don’t care if you even read this. You wouldn’t understand it anyway. There are too many big words. You’re too busy cookin’ up a mess of frog legs on the skillet or fucking chickens in your back yard. You don’t have the attention span to finish this sentence. You just repeat shit your pastor says and even your religious leaders are fucking illiterate.

Oh and you hate the city folk, the gays and the liberals don’t you? Those open minded people who try to include everyone. I’ll agree with you we are annoying but not for the same reason you find. The problem with liberals and progressives is that we’re not violent enough and don’t have the same gut rage that you do. If we could only find that same deep hatred in our hearts, if we could only be as brutal and cruel as you, if we could only cry out for war to finally wipe you off the face of the earth. We need more slave owners, assassins and blood thirsty tyrants. If we had more vigilante groups, more crooked police and our own version of the Klan we could just ride through the South on horses and lynch you from the nearest tree. Burn down all your churches. Throw you in prison. Kill your fathers and mothers and enslave your children. If you even looked at our women you would be dead. If you talked back to us you would go to jail. You’re too dangerous to own guns, you’re too stupid to learn how to read, you’re too evil to have any freedom and we don’t trust you. We don’t want you in our neighborhood and we don’t want to see you mingling with our kind. We don’t want you to get married, we don’t want you in our churches, we don’t want you to raise children and we don’t want to see you kissing in public.

How does the hate feel now asshole?

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