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I downloaded Zero Dark Thirty off BitTorrent because I thought I’d review the film exclusively for Media Underground. I’m not going to pay one dime for a Lockheed Martin commercial and I knew how it ends so here’s my take. The film should be called Zero Fucks Movie. It begins with a ginger anorexic pale Carrot Juice Maya bitch standing in the background during a torture scene but you’re supposed to feel sorry for her because she can’t stand to watch torture. First thoughts: Any CIA agent in that room is going to be a West Point graduate and a professional sadist and is not going to give a fuck about torture. When they keep cutting back to her with that Florence Nightingale compassion cunt face it’s utterly laughable.

Carrot Juice has a good guy sidekick. He’s the bearded hipster CIA Torture Bro who looks like a Christian Singles extra from the Left Behind series and Wolf Blitzer’s pothead stepson had an anal baby. He’s also a grown up version of the kid in MASK or Cher after her facial surgery. I guess they want the film to have that artsy glassy eyed North Korean indoctrination feel to it. Or maybe the Pentagon’s casting director spotted him at an industrial Screen Actors Guild party for the Kansas National Guard. I’m not sure which but he has to be the most annoying actor I’ve seen on film ever. And that means worse than Jar Jar Binks and Steven Segal in Above the Law combined.

Everyone thinks this film is hard to watch because of the torture scenes. The torture scenes are only difficult to watch because the movie sucks tail pipes. It has nothing to do with torture itself. The point is it feels like torture because you’re thirty minutes into this film and you know you have another two and a half hours of this stick figure Carrot Top creature who has the acting skills of a corpse. Worst acting I’ve seen since I watched NORAD explain the timelines to the 9-11 Commission. I wouldn’t even call it acting. I would call it a three hour snuff film. They repeat their lines like someone just asked them to repeat their lines. Two Girls and a Cup could walk into the room and begin to eat fresh shit off the floor, no reaction.

Come to think of it there is an actual Two Girls and a Cup scene in this movie and you don’t even notice. Torture Bro is eating a chocolate ice cream cone right next to a monkey cage. These are those little squirrel monkeys with AIDS. I’m not sure why they have monkeys at a CIA Black Site, but AIDS monkeys are always cute. And you can always get ice cream at a rendition site. Anyway, so he’s eating ice cream right next to the monkey cage and the monkey is grabbing at the cone like it’s a Two Girls and a Cup monkey documentary. He lets the monkey grab a handful of chocolate ice cream with his little monkey hands because after you’ve been torturing guys all day long who doesn’t want to feed a monkey with shit on its hands? The monkey has his hands right in the ice cream and Torture Bro puts the rest of the ice cream cone in his mouth. Again, no reaction. After he just ate AIDS infected monkey shit ice cream. Anytime you see a character in a film feed animals you know he’s the good guy even if he just punched the monkey in the face after he fed it. A guard walks by and says, “You Agency guys are twisted”. Yeah and don’t fuck with me because we’re trained to eat monkey shit.

Every five minutes watching this film I heard a voice in my head say, “I just don’t fucking care” but strangely it was the voice of Norman Mineta. It’s almost as if Norman Mineta the Secretary of Transportation was actually in my head sitting there, at a desk, behind a microphone, at the 9-11 Commission saying, “The movie is 50 miles out. The movie is 30 miles out. The movie is 10 miles out. Does the movie still suck?” At this point I see Dick Cheney turn and whip his neck around, “Of course the movie still sucks have you heard anything to the contrary?” Then back to Mineta’s head and his disembodied voice.

I’ll have to admit there are subtle clues to how evil these terrorists are. Carrot Crotch asks a prisoner named Faraj about one of his associates, “What does this guy look like?” Faraj says, “Tall, long white beard, thin, he uses a cane” and Fire Crotch says, “Kind of like Gandolf?” The camera pulls back to Faraj and he says, “Who?” There’s a long pause. Big Red looks back and you know shit is going to get real. Now it’s not catchin’ Bin Laden Dead or Alive. This crazy motherfucker didn’t get my joke and knows nothing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So they begin to beat and fuck him again unmercifully. He might as well have said, “I spit upon this Gandolf. Fuck you and fuck your Peter Jackson Infidel”.

Ok middle part of the movie. More shit blows up, people scream at each other, computers, cell phones, Ali Akbar, someone kills all the squirrel monkeys, Torture Bro shaves his beard off, years go by, Big Red is the only one working on the case, dusty shit, more ass kicking and naked men in plywood rooms, more dust, sunglasses, Pakistan, motorcycles, serious people, a guy pounds on a table and gets really pissed like Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. The plot is hard to follow but then again it’s the Fog of War and Bin Laden is sneaky. The whole middle part of the film could have been edited out and a cartoon inserted with Tom and Jerry pounding each other on the head with a wooden mallet.

Oh and I forgot. That voice in my head saying, “I don’t fucking care”? That’s actually in the movie. One of the main CIA boss characters looks Carrot Juice right in her ginger retard face and says, “I don’t fucking care about Bin Laden”. So it’s not just me. Even a character in the film itself is saying what I’m thinking. And that my friend is a frightening epiphany. When you have the voice in your head authenticated by a Defense Department Domination porn video, when “objective” reality is synched to confirmatory factor analysis there’s a moment when the hair on the back of your neck stands up. It all becomes crystal clear. YES my Intelligence Officer actor friend! I don’t care either because since 9-11 we have killed, maimed, tortured, starved, raped, pillaged, smart bombed, blasphemed, marginalized, humiliated, pissed on, piled up, imprisoned, carpet bombed and droned fucked over one million of our fellow human beings for an attack that killed only three thousand Americans. That’s not eye for an eye. That is 333.3 eyes for one fucking eye. Get over it. This war has gone on too long. Kill fucking Bin Laden or let it go or shit or get off the pot I don’t care anymore. And we don’t need another fucking movie about this. Even the goddam CIA and Navy Seals don’t want you to glorify it anymore they just want to come home and drink a goddam beer. Please for the love of God shut the fuck up this movie was a waste of time.

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